Resentment

The consequences of resentment

In the book of Genesis (4:2-8), there is a story of two brothers, Cain and Abel. Both brothers offer sacrifices to God. God accepted Abel’s sacrifice but did not accept Cain’s. When God saw the disappointment in Cain’s face, He said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” Rather than listening to God, Cain was led astray by his anger and resentment. He took Abel out to the field and killed him.

When I was a child, I had a stepbrother who was eight years older than me, whom I will refer to as Dan. The divorces that led to my mom and stepdad marrying each other were difficult on everyone but it was more difficult on Dan than anyone else. Dan’s anger at his father and my mom consumed him and he struggled with alcohol and drug abuse.

In my mid-twenties I called Dan once to try to establish a relationship with him again. During the conversation, almost all that Dan could speak about was his anger toward his father, Bruce, and my mom. When I discussed this with mom, she shared with me that she had a similar conversation with Dan six years earlier, when Bruce was dying of brain cancer. Dan’s resentments were so intense that he could not even see past them when his father was dying. Although I felt pity on Dan, I never reached out to him again because I did not see the point. Dan died about 15 years later at a relatively young age and I presume that his resentment and substance abuse issues contributed to his early death.

Self-reflection

I have struggle with resentment at times in my life; however, it has not been a major issue for me for a long time. I recall a time in mid-twenties when I was very angry at a friend whom I had once been very close to because he would not return something I had lent him. I also felt powerless over the situation. At the same time, I was very close to a Christian friend who would ask me to read Psalms to her during her episodes of depression. On one occasion, my Christian friend asked me to read Psalm 37. As I read it, one particular section spoke to me:

Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:1-4 (NIV)

After I read the Psalm, I applied this to my own situation and my resentments. I released the person I was angry at and the situation I felt powerless about to God. Almost immediately, I felt like God’s light entered my soul and I felt a sense of intense joy that I had never felt before and have rarely felt since that time. Releasing my resentments to God opened my heart to Him.

Several years later I went through a divorce and the sense of betrayal I experienced led me to face my resentments again. With the help of different support systems, I faced many of the resentments I had repressed for several years; resentments toward family members, former friends, and my ex-wife. I also confessed to God the ways I had hurt my ex-wife, others, and myself. I asked for and accepted God’s forgiveness.

Although I have not experienced anything that felt like betrayal for a long time, I still must exercise forgiveness and love in my daily life. I encounter situations where someone says or does something that upsets me. In some instances, I recognize the anger comes from my own ego and that the other person really did not do something offensive. In other instances, I acknowledge that what they did or said comes from their own brokenness and pain and I forgive them in my heart.

Biblical teachings on resentment

Paul teaches, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:25-27, NIV).” When something happens that makes us angry, we need to exercise self-restraint to the best of our abilities so that we do not escalate the situation nor cause harm to others. If resentment continues, we should not insult them either to their face or behind their backs because then we murder their reputations. I see a difference here between talking about the person with the intent to harm them versus talking about the person with a trusted, non-judging, friend or family member to assist us in processing what happened.

Jesus’ teachings on resentment are clear, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:15, NIV).” In one of Jesus’ parables, a master orders that his servant and his family be sold to repay a great debt that the servant owes him. The servant begs his master for patience and promises to repay the debt. In his mercy, the master forgave the entire debt and let the servant go. Right after his debt was cancelled, the servant assaulted someone who owed him money and had the other person thrown into prison until the debt could be repaid. When the master heard about this, he reneged on his promise to cancel the first servant’s debt and had him thrown into prison (Matthew 18:21-35).

Final reflection

When we pray, we are told to forgive anyone whom we hold resentments against so that we may be forgiven our sins (Mark 11:25). I have found this to be a powerful lesson in my own life. Today, I find it much easier to turn over my resentments to God than it was in the past, especially when I went through very painful times. As I turn over my resentments, I am filled with love for God and love for the person or people whom I was angry at. Moreover, as I turn over my selfishness and fears to God, I am filled with love for all and I feel joy and peace.